Pardon Me While I Cry

Lately I have felt the urge to cry.  All the time.  On the airplane.  In class.  Watching TV.  Talking to friends.  In a meeting.

I’m not depressed.

Quite the opposite.  I’m filled with joy.

It’s the weirdest feeling.  I mean, after spending my whole life not wanting to show my feelings (too scary), and priding myself on not being that type of woman that cries during movies or birthday parties, I find myself constantly on the verge of tears.

I was on the airplane the other day, and literally I got weepy just thinking about how great my life is, and how much gratitude I have for the richness and joy I get to feel every day.

I wanted to cry looking at the river as I was driving to work, as the colors and reflection of the sky on the water was just too beautiful for words.

I cried in class watching one of those manipulative journalism pieces about the seemingly boundless nature of a man’s love for his child.

I got teary thinking about how a classmate is struggling with health or professional issues.

I get misty when someone tells me about making progress with an issue they have been battling with.   They’ve found a little courage, took a risk, and found out they were OK and even learned something

But it’s not all about tears.  I also feel a profound sense of awe when I think of the mysteries of our world, and the idea that I’m a tiny, miniscule part of that world.  I feel inspired when I get a glimpse of understanding that world – or realize that maybe it’s just another figment of my cognition.  I feel uplifted when I see kindness or wisdom in another.  I dance (just a little) in the hallway when I think about how a project ended better than I thought.  I delight in the conversation with a colleague who is passionate and creative and inspired me.  I feel complete and utter bliss when cuddling with my sweetie and my puppy on the couch.

The old Susanna that didn’t feel sadness also didn’t feel most of these good emotions either.   That old Susanna didn’t often give a hug, nor did she get them very often either.  Yes, I’ll cry with you now when you’re feeling pain, but I will cry with joy with you too.   You may get a hug that you didn’t expect and maybe that you’re not terribly comfortable with.   Some may complain that I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve now but that’s OK too.  You’ll know that heart is right there, with you, every time.