I don’t consider myself a judgmental person, but we’re all hard-wired to be hypocritical. The hypocrisy I’ve noticed in myself is in first impressions. I already know that I’m not a good judge of character. It’s hard to ‘judge’ someone’s character when you tend to look for only their best qualities. Turns out, I’m not good at accurate negative assessments either.
In the moment, it seems there are some characteristics that are worse than others, at least in terms of my gut reaction to them. In my mind, I know that they’re all great when applied properly. In my gut, there are a couple that just rankle me. And thus my snap judgment.
I sort of even pride myself on having a good radar for this behavior. I have these folks pegged right away.
Except for when I don’t.
I know where it comes from. The behaviors that annoy me are those that made me feel invisible as a child. So as an adult, I get a visceral reaction – even though objectively there’s nothing wrong with the behavior – and there’s instant dislike. From a schema perspective, my schema makes me hyper-sensitive to certain behaviors that will go unnoticed by others. From a StrengthsFinder perspective, such qualities are probably strength themes that may not be optimally used. For example, when I misuse my command strength, I can come across as either a bully instead of a leader. Every one of us struggles with that balance, so there’s nothing wrong with that either.
On a couple of recent occasions I have found that I’ve been wrong about that negative assessment. I don’t often feel grateful to be proven wrong, but in these situations, being wrong has been a big relief and an opportunity to get to know another amazing person.
Upon further reflection, I believe I will always be wrong when making a snap (negative) judgment. If I can push aside my visceral reaction, I will again fall back on my tendency to find the best parts of that person even if that annoying quality is present. If I cannot, then I will not be open to getting to know another beautiful spirit.
This shortcoming of mine – finding the best in others – is actually one of my best features. It’s not a perfect feature, but I think to the degree that I can improve will enable me to feel even more connected to those around me. I don’t need artificial barriers that are of my own creation. There are enough of those out there already, I don’t need to add one more of my own.