Inner/Outer Congruence

As humans, it is unavoidable and in our nature to be hypocrites (see the Hypocrisy of Hypocrisy). Therefore, one of our biggest challenges in our journeys to become our better selves is aligning our inner intentions and goals with our behaviors. Whether we strive to be a good leader, kind, compassionate, fair, strategic, loving or generous, sometimes we are our own worst enemy towards consistently being that person both inside and out.

When life is good and stress is low, that consistency feels relatively straight-forward and achievable. However, add in a dose of fear or uncertainty, and ignite it with a dollop of lack of self-awareness, and it’s pretty easy to see how we may start acting at odds with our core values and beliefs.   Add a touch of arrogance, and now we’re defending the actions that we criticize in others.


You know it’s not pretty. And if we’re being honest with ourselves, we probably have to admit that we’ve all been there, done that, in some manner. We don’t do it intentionally. It’s just that when we get into that flight-or-fight mentality, even if we’re unaware of it, we tend to get a little stupid. I, personally, get really stupid and even self-destructive. You know that feeling that you’re going to win this at all costs, even though part of you knows you’re barreling down that path to self-destruction? Yeah, that’s when it’s really bad.

Hindsight is 20/20 because once our fear and stress hormones subside, we get wise enough to view the damage that we’ve created.   It’s like a fear hangover, where you’re wondering, “What did I do?”

I’d be lying if I told you that I’m immune to this now. Like so many other things in my life, this is an ongoing journey for me and all I can say is that I’m better than I used to be. My self-awareness and ability to identify and manage my fears are much better, and my blind spots are fewer.   My arrogance? I’ll leave that conclusion in with my other blind spots.

I think what has been most helpful to me has been an increased openness. Though I’m still fairly opinionated, I’m less certain of the definition of reality, especially when it comes to human relationships.   I’m better at stretching the period of time that I’m looking for input before forming a conclusion. I’m better at being a little less certain after I’ve formed that conclusion. I’m better at being more curious and reflective about someone else’s perspective and reality. I’m better at observing others’ tone and body language when hearing their words.   I’m waaay better at avoiding judgment of others. After all, I’m doing the same dance with my own hypocrisy: it’s the height of hypocrisy to complain about someone else’s hypocrisy.

It’s hard to be a congruent person. However, the beauty of that struggle is that we can always improve, and that’s what matters.

2 thoughts on “Inner/Outer Congruence

  1. Thanks for this post! I I found it very true for how we experience life. It’s similar to the idea of cognitive dissonance, which is psychological theory that we mentally try to align our beliefs with our actions and when these two things are out of sync, you experience negative effects.

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