Our Responsibility Regarding Bully Leaders

I hadn’t actually heard the term before, but when I googled it, it turns out bully leadership is a thing. It’s several steps beyond an authoritarian leader, since while both authoritarian and bully leaders fail to obtain input from others, bully leaders use fear and intimidation as their primary tools for influence.   Though that style may feel effective and efficient, in the end, it does not pay off.

The most visible example of the consequences of bully leadership is – you guessed it – Donald Trump. While 30% of the public feels The Donald is an effective leader, the majority of the country and the world see right through his style. We are seeing that bully leadership is, in the end, destructive and devisive. It may feel “great” to align oneself with the bully leader, until the bully turns on you.

Do you use bullying as part of your leadership style? According to PD Strategies Blog, Business Insider and Innolect Inc, a bully/toxic leader has the following qualities:

  • You punish others, in small or large ways, if they do not do as you wish or if they appear disloyal, creating lasting damage to them.
  • You don’t try to understand others’ feelings or circumstances, and use criticism, badgering, harassment, threats and blame to control them while failing to provide the support they need to be successful.
  • You want to beat others and win at any cost.
  • Those around you no longer challenge your thinking.
  • You feel you’re better or smarter than others, and that you have the best ideas. You take credit for the work or ideas of others.
  • You use information against others instead of sharing proactively.
  • You use power excessively and will do whatever it takes to get your way or advance your agenda. The end justifies the means.
  • You don’t understand your own or others’ emotions or motivations or how to use that information to be effective.

Though bully leaders may be able to move the bottom line, in the end they hurt they organization. Consider Trump again. Indeed, he made incredible gains initially, winning the Republican primary beyond all expectation and conventional wisdom. In the end however, his take-no-prisoners approach is threatening to unravel the Republican Party and has the potential to greatly harm the country if elected.   He has been described as dangerous by many prominent thought leaders around the world.

Bully leaders thrive when their superiors look the other way to their toxic and damaging behavior.   With regard to our elected officials, we the American people ARE their bosses. Our electoral process is designed for us to choose the right candidate for the job. Therefore, we must be the ones to say “No, this type of behavior is not OK” and must not be fooled by the initially positive outcomes.

Government is not the only place to hire or promote bully leaders. They are in our organizations, families and communities.   Those who condone the behavior, either implicitly or explicitly, share the responsibility for the bully’s outcomes.

So get out and vote this November. If you have not registered to vote yet, do so now!

 

 

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How To Be A Good Friend: Part 3

We all know the importance of communication in a relationship. When things are going well, good communication keeps things on the right track. When things are going wrong, you need to talk it out.  You just need to communicate more, right?

Yes and no.

When a relationship is having conflict, it’s probably not the amount of communication at issue, but the quality of both the communication itself and the internal world of the participants that is causing trouble. For example, if I think I’m right and you’re wrong, communicating that in greater quantity will not help the relationship.

What comprises quality communication in a relationship? Here are 8 components of quality communication:

  • Being present – You’re not worrying about your kids, your job, or even what you’re going to say next. You’re giving your partner your undivided attention to both their words and nonverbal communication. Being present also means being calm. If I’m pissed off or terrified, I am likely not being present.
  • Listening to understand – When you listen to understand, you’re trying to grasp the meaning of their words, not just the literal, surface content. You’re dispensing with any assumptions you may have made about their perspective or motivation. You listen with a clean slate, hearing between the lines, not taking every phrase literally.
  • No judging – Everyone has a different internal world, none better or worse than another. Respect the other’s reality, and they are more likely to respect yours.
  • Don’t take it personally – If discussing a difficult topic, this issue likely, at its emotional care, has nothing to do with you (see below).
  • Don’t interrupt – Let them completely finish what they have on their mind. You’ll get your turn, hopefully, later.
  • Reflect back – Summarize what you heard (again, without judgment or taking it personally), and ask if you got it right. Receive corrections and edit until it’s right then ask if there is anything else.
  • Go deeper – For intimate relationships and/or conversations, ask your partner to explain why this particular issue is so important to them to get to the painful (or joyous) belief behind their feelings. Try to avoid using the word “Why”: “Help me understand why this is so painful/wonderful for you.” Reflect their response back.
  • Ask – Ask if they’re willing to hear your perspective. If so, then share your viewpoint being as authentic as possible, avoiding blame and judgment on the other. Remember, your interpretation on your view of the world is your choice.  You’re entitled to your opinion, but remember that it is your opinion, not fact.  Share the feelings elicited by your partner’s behavior or words and the pain at the source of those feelings.

For example, I might say to my partner “When I was telling you how excited I was about my promotion, I felt hurt and ignored when you interrupted me and changed the subject. Giving me adequate air time, especially during important moments, helps me feel valued and appreciated.”

The deeper you can authentically go into your wounded, vulnerable place, the more impactful the communication.     In your vulnerability is where it becomes clear what is the real issue, buried deep beneath the surface argument. (Please see any of Brene Brown’s work on vulnerability if you’re unsure the benefit of making yourself vulnerable).

The quality of your internal world is also critically important to good communication. Your internal world is related to the Arbinger Institute’s concept of being in the Box and your mindset. Briefly, when I am in the Box, I am focusing on my own needs, wants and desires and justifying that position by mentally and emotionally diminishing the other to be irrelevant, a problem or a means to an end. When communicating, I’m more concerned about being right, being heard and understood, or not being blamed or criticized.   My mindset is inward, focused on my own needs.

In contrast, when out of the Box, I view others needs, wants and desires as important as my own. I’m communicating to first understand, and then to be understood. I’m deeply interested in the speaker’s needs, wants and desires so as to be helpful to them, or at least, to do them no harm.   I respect their boundaries as well as my own. My mindset is outward, focused on understanding their needs, and trying to help or support them in a way that does not violate my own boundaries.

Given that this is neither easy nor simple, I find it helpful to take a strengths-based approach to communication. I use my Relator to motivate me to deepen my relationships, and I use my Capacity to Love and Be Loved and Consistency/Justice and Perspective to maintain a positive energy during difficult conversations.   A mindfulness practice is essential for staying present. I view improving on this critical skill part of my lifelong journey where I continue to learn and grow, using large doses of Forgiveness when my partner and I fall short of our expectations.

How To Be A Good Friend: Part 2

In addition to balance, healthy relationships also need boundaries.   Identifying and enforcing boundaries can be difficult, especially with adults. In contrast, identifying and enforcing boundaries with kids and pets seems pretty evident: don’t break things, eat your dinner, go potty in the right place, etc.   With adults, appropriate boundaries are more difficult to name, establish and enforce, yet critical for creating positive relationships.

What is meant by boundaries? Boundaries have to do with knowing what behavior is and is not OK with you. Communicating and enforcing those boundaries is what Dr. Phil means when he advises us “teach others how to treat you”. For example, violence and abuse of any kind should not be tolerated, and a clear boundary should be conveyed and enforced as necessary. On the other hand, verbal abuse may be subjective, subtle and insidious.   If someone makes you feel bad about yourself, diminishes your value or worth through words or gestures, or tries to control you, it may be verbal abuse.

It’s not just verbal or physical abuse that may require establishment of boundaries. Failing to respect one’s feelings, property and requests may also cross a boundary. What’s tricky here is that it’s easy to assume that others should know your boundaries. Some are probably no brainers: if I loan you my car, don’t damage it in any way; if I give you a gift or do you a favor, say thank you.  A relationship that has balance would also require some reciprocation.

However, the appropriateness of most interactions and dynamics are subjective. I may not care if you return a book I loan you unless it’s my favorite book, or expensive.   Sarcastic comments may not bother me in general, but comments about my kids may upset me. This is why communicating your boundaries is important. It’s not fair to assume the other can read your mind or understand the nuances of your preferences, no matter how well you think they may know you.

If you’ve communicated your boundaries and they still insist on crossing them, then you have new information about the level of trust and safety in your relationship. You can then use that data to determine how you wish to enforce your boundaries.   With someone who does not return my property in a timely manner and in good condition, I may decide to no longer loan them my things. With someone who always arrives late, I may choose to let them know that next time I will start without them. With someone who is always negative, I may choose to limit the length of our visit.   With someone who continues to be verbally abusive or critical, I may choose to end the relationship or interact only by email.

In the end, its up to you to decide how important that boundary is to you, and what is an appropriate response. Failing to enforce a boundary tells the other that your boundaries are not important to you, and thus that boundary should not be important to them.  Consider your kids and pets. Inconsistent enforcement is ineffective. For them to really learn to respect a boundary, that boundary has to be enforced every time, and preferably with patience and love. Communicating with patience and love is more likely to create a spirit of cooperation and deepen the intimacy with the other.

How To Be A Good Friend: Part 1

Positive relationships are essential for a good life, yet we are rarely taught how to create good relationships. Likely we have learned relationship skills by observing those who were similarly unschooled. I learned and practiced a lot of dysfunctional behaviors for a long time without ever even knowing there was something wrong with my unhealthy beliefs and practices. Creating a healthy relationship is such a fundamental skill, I believe relationship skills should be taught in K-12 Health class.

We tend to have many types of relationships, some casual and others intimate. However, the skills for creating good relationships are fairly much the same, though the relationship itself may dictate the degree a given skill is employed. A key element to all good relationships, regardless of the depth of commitment or closeness, is balance. In other words, there has to be give and take across the various facets of the relationship such that there is sufficient reciprocity in the long run.

Creating balance can be tricky since assessing balance is subjective. The relationship should not be transactional, in other words, I-call-you-only-if-you-called-me-last-type of behavior.  For example, I know Chris does way more for me than I realize, so if I only focus on what I do for him, I will over estimate my contribution to the relationship.   Also, if I only focus on the picking-up-around-the-house scorecard, for example, I contend I will always win by that measure. But he does so much for me in other areas, which I ignore at the peril of our relationship.

Therefore, when taking stock of relationships we should try to account for all of the ways we give to each other. I may only focus on the money or time I spend on a relationship, but there are other types of relationship currencies that may go unseen, yet should be accounted for. Here are 3 relationship facets, often unseen, that may affect your relationship net balance:

Affirmation –

Friends often have a tendency to either blindly affirm or refute their friend’s stance or behavior.   For example, if I complain about how I’m treated at work, my friends might either just say “Yeah, what jerks. You’re not doing anything wrong and look how they’re mistreating you.” Or they might say, “You never seem to get along with your boss. Maybe you’re too sensitive or stubborn.”

Though the former approach may seem more supportive at face value, both approaches lack balance and objectivity. They both contain judgment (either for or against), and neither help the other learn, grow or find solutions. The approach may even make the situation worse by reinforcing and validating dysfunctional beliefs or behavior.

Instead, a good friend invests effort in listening to trying to understand, and helps the other explore options and responses without controlling or dictating the outcome. Showing unconditional support for the other, without blindly affirming or judging their behavior, is a loving and helpful way to balance affirmation for your loved one.

Effort –

All relationships take effort, including initiating and planning get-togethers and keeping the energy lively and positive. The latter might include finding interesting topics to discuss or things to do, or constructively managing conflict when it arises. The care and maintenance of the relationship should be shared; if the burden falls almost exclusively on one side, then the friendship may not be a partnership unless reciprocation occurs in another area.

Some young people are surprised to learn that good marriages require a lot of effort, not in terms of paying the bills and taking care of kids, but in doing the hard work of creating a successful relationship. No one ever told me this. I’m telling you now in case you haven’t heard.

Intimacy –

Open and honest sharing of oneself and one’s feelings is an important element for our closest relationships.  There is no one right level of intimacy for a given relationship since everyone has different needs and styles for sharing. Regardless of the degree of intimacy, relationships should have balance with each person contributing in a way that works for the relationship. For example, if one friend does all the listening and rarely shares, it may be a red flag that the relationship is one-sided. That dynamic may work for the pair if reciprocation occurs in other areas.

Since relationships run the gamut from casual to intimate, partnerships to dependencies, a good relationship does not necessarily need to have all of the above facets to be positive or healthy. Rather, healthy relationships tend to have a global balance across the various ways that the partners give to each other, thus enabling its sustenance and success.

Understanding Personality Types and Using Them To Your Advantage

Until you understand yourself, you cannot understand others. Understanding others allows you to influence those that are different from you, which provides a sense of empowerment and confidence in your ability to impact your life.   Therefore, self-awareness is a critical part of personal and professional development.

There are numerous personality tests designed to improve self-awareness but with varying levels of validity. For example, the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, though a popular instrument, does not have as high of validity as the Big Five. StrengthsFinders (one of my favorites) has been extensively studied but by the Gallup organization that sells the instrument, leading some to question its validity.

Regardless of degree of validity, I feel the concepts themselves are helpful to understanding oneself and each other, and using that understanding to grow and improve. For example, the MBTI tells me that I have a preference for closure compared to others that have a preference for staying flexible and open-ended. I never really thought about those differences prior to taking the MBTI except to judge the flexible-minded as being indecisive. After learning about this style difference, I have since noticed instances where making a fast decision led to a less-than-stellar outcome. I’ve learned that creating a more balanced approach by judiciously and selectively employing the opposite style allows me to become more effective.

In essence, being aware and understanding the advantages and disadvantages of my default style allows me to be more mindful and intentional about my decisions, perspectives and approaches. Learning and understanding others’ styles also helps me to appreciate their unique talents and perspectives instead of judging and criticizing them. By appreciating and employing, not judging, those differences, we create a more harmonious and effective group.

But self-awareness is hard. After all, a blind spot by definition means I lack awareness of a certain aspect of myself. Excavating those blind spots is scary. What if I find something terrible?

There is nothing to be afraid of. When we understand the facets of our personality, we find that we have the same traits as other people.  Sometimes we struggle with our traits, just like everyone else. Shining a light on them allows us to understand and optimize, whereas ignoring and hiding leaves us stuck and unable to grow.

So be brave. Explore. Learn. Be open to even subtle feedback from others. You may even find an amazingly wonderful You that is waiting to be discovered.

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The wonderful sides of You

The Ludicrous Beliefs That I Live By

I’ve not always been so great with acceptance. I spent much of my life overly critical of myself and trying to change things for which I have no control. And as obvious as it may seem to me now, I never really examined those beliefs about what I can change or what is out of my control. Making those beliefs conscious is really helpful in understanding how we sometimes let ludicrous, unconscious beliefs drive how we feel and what we do.

In the spirit of bringing our unconscious and ludicrous beliefs to awareness, I am listing some for consideration. In what ways are the following statement(s) true in your life? Pick a few statements and really reflect to what degree you believe the following to be true:

  • I can change someone else’s beliefs or behavior
  • I can’t change or grow  with regard to (my work, my relationship, my money…)
  • I shouldn’t change or grow with regard to (my work, my relationship, my money…)
  • They should change
  • They can’t change
  • I should have a say in how others live their life (our dependents aside)
  • I should be (richer, more attractive, more successful, more appreciated….)
  • Someone else should fix that or pay for that
  • I should help them
  • I should not help them
  • I should fix or pay for that
  • I am a failure/unattractive/unlovable/not safe/undeserving/entitled/important…
  • I need to be viewed as successful/attractive/generous/smart/….
  • I deserve …
  • I’m better than/more important than (friend, colleague, loved one, stranger)
  • I’m worse than/less important than (friend, colleague, loved one, stranger)
  • Life should be fair
  • My feelings/opinions should matter to others
  • They should realize this truth
  • I was harmed by (event, person)
  • I need (thing, event, person)
  • I’m bad at….

Just because a sentence or sentence stem here resonates with you doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a ludicrous belief.  This exercise is simply intended for you to find more clarity and challenge your pre-existing beliefs.

For example, you might be completely correct that fixing the potholes in your community is not your job.  Perhaps it’s worth really considering whether the statement is as black or white as you might believe (in this case, 100% not your responsibility).   If your potholes are not getting fixed, then maybe you need to be the one to report it to local officials and advocate for better roads (perhaps, now 10% your responsibility).

A less obvious example may be your belief about your role in a suboptimal relationship.  Do you abdicate all responsibility for the trouble in the relationship?  Or do you believe it’s all your fault?  Are you trying to change them or subjugate yourself?  Do you believe it’s only they who need to change?  What would be a more balanced view of the problems at play?

Now, I need a cup of coffee and a piece of chocolate for all this hard work. I will be irrevocably harmed by not getting what I rightfully deserve.

‘Not-A-Minority’s’ View of Diversity

During the 3.5 years I have been blogging, I have not spoken about race or minority status hardly at all. I guess I’m not a good advocate for the underrepresented, since I’d much rather listen than talk about this subject.   Everyone has such a unique perspective, and I can learn so much by just letting others share their experience and beliefs without having to advocate for my own.

I have to confess though that part of the reason I don’t talk about it is probably much like other people: it makes me uncomfortable.   When I was living in Texas and talked about how I was treated differently for being Asian, I was told I was imagining it or being paranoid.   Now I just feel like it will be perceived as whining even when I know it’s not imagined.   Either way, feeling like it is unsafe to talk about mistreatment is its own form of abuse.

Diversity itself is diverse given we self-identify in so many ways: race, ethnicity, gender and gender identity, religion, disability, age, etc. Furthermore, each group has its unique issues and concerns, all of which are valid even if we don’t understand or agree with them.  Since our issues are so unique, we minorities often don’t even understand each other, which can lead to disharmony or even conflict.  Until we truly try to understand each others’ unique reality, we will struggle to work effectively and collaboratively together.

I feel the discussion could benefit from shedding light on our unique perspectives.  Here is a sliver of some of issues minority groups face.  This list is not comprehensive because I don’t fully understand other groups’ issues (and plus I’m trying to keep this blog-sized), so please share your experience so that can be added to the list, or corrected where I’m wrong or inaccurate.

  • Blacks are treated with a high level of scrutiny by police and shop owners
  • GLBTQs have to decide every day who to come out to and how (the shopkeeper, a colleague, etc.)
  • Muslims are treated with suspicion in general
  • Women feel vulnerable in places and situations that men take for granted, and often feel unwelcomed in certain leadership ranks
  • Jews are treated like they are greedy and untrustworthy
  • Asians are sometimes not considered a minority, even by other minority groups, but are still excluded from many ranks, disciplines, and social groups.  We are not believed to be US citizens.
  • Hispanics are assumed to be academically unqualified and poor.  They are believed to be illegal immigrants.
  • The elderly are treated like they are invisible or can’t hear
  • Members of the majority may be generically grouped as bigots (‘you whites,’ ‘you men’), even if they are advocates and proponents for the underrepresented

This list does not even include violence, murder, discrimination, bullying, imprisonment, and harassment based on minority status.

The conversation around Trump’s statement that Judge Curio’s Mexican heritage made him unqualified for the job is upsetting on several levels.  Though many Republicans said that Trump’s comment was racist and wrong (Republican leader Paul Ryan stated this was the racist comment was “textbook”), a poll reported on MSNBC stated that 66% (!) of Republicans did not think that comment was racist.  Several who ‘spoke out’ against it merely said that he shouldn’t have said that.  Kind of like: you never tell your wife her dress makes her look fat. Even when it does.

Oh wait. I thought we were all just being paranoid?

Racism and bigotry is alive and well but I believe that much of it is flying below the radar. If you ever catch yourself telling a woman or a minority that they’re being overly sensitive, making something up, or the mistreatment is their fault, ask yourself – really ask – whether unconscious bias is present.

Before you reject the presence of unconscious bias out of hand, realize that we all have unconscious bias (thus the term). Admitting we have such biases take courage because it requires we face an unstated fear. But like other fears, they hold much power when in the dark but diminish in the light.   Being open, accepting and even compassionate for someone else’s reality, and your own, can lead to much insight, growth, love and healing. We all deserve that.