The Darker Side of Nice

Keeping a safe distance

Keeping a safe distance

No one has ever accused me of being too nice.  It’s not that I’m not nice (here we go), it’s just that you will usually hear from me if I disagree with you or if I think something is amiss or unfair.  A shrinking violet I am not.

I’ve lived in the South most of my life, and my not-niceness is definitely not Southern.  We Southern (and Asian) women are expected to not create trouble or conflict.  It’s just not nice or ladylike.  My family falls into the not-nice category in the same way.  You generally will know exactly where you stand with us in a matter of minutes.  When I have brought boyfriends home, they were just shaking in their shoes.

I’ve always admired those people who can keep their mouth shut.  They seem to just let grievances slide off them like water off a duck’s behind.  What equanimity.  What poise.  What patience.

What a façade.

The trouble is, the anger, resentment, bitterness is still there (except for the few that are really not bothered by such things).  It just tends to come out in less obvious ways.   Think:  the meeting where everyone states their agreement verbally or by silent assent but afterwards complains about the decision.  The relationship where everything is fine and dandy, but everyone knows about how mistreated someone is except the person who is supposedly doing the mistreating.   The chores or tasks that are either poorly done or never get done because someone is “too busy” or “forgot”.   The offhand comments which seem benign on the surface, but have an edge or are really hurtful.  Overlooking obvious opportunities to be helpful (“why didn’t you just buy one for me too?”)

Insults and injuries, if not resolved, take their psychic toll. In the absence of overt (hopefully, civil) conflict to resolve the insult, one may then resort to the equivalent of sniping from a safe distance.  A sniper can get shots off without having to risk being held accountable.  With conflict, even if emotions may tend to run high and into uncomfortable territory, at least the issues, including the conflict style itself, can be addressed and then resolved.  Trying to fix a problem with someone who denies anything is wrong is nearly impossible. I’m not certain, but I think mind reading skills are required, and last I checked, that is not one of the five human senses.

Sniping in relationships, whether personal or professional, is also not conducive to a productive or intimate relationship.  Being unwilling to discuss uncomfortable issues is not being honest. Without honesty there cannot be trust or intimacy, and the depth of the relationship will be confined to the equivalent of a wading pool.

To my family: I love you and thank you for always being honest with me.  I value your transparency and willingness to be authentic.

To all the too-nice people out there:  I love you dearly too.   You are so easy to be with and I love that about you.  But it’s OK to tell me what you really think and want.  I want to know.  I want you to trust that our relationship can withstand your truth.  In fact, our relationship will improve and deepen because of your willingness to be honest and up front with me.  I won’t let you down.

Fear: Friend or Foe?


Caving to fear

“I’m not sure I want to do that,” “I’m not ready for that,” ”I just need to do it this way,” “It’s not so bad.”

World: meet my unacknowledged fear.

My unacknowledged fear wears a clever mask so I can hide it from myself.  I camouflage it because I’m not ready to recognize it, much less deal with it.

There’s nothing wrong with that fear.  Everyone has fear.  Fear has many good qualities, like preventing you from doing something dangerous or rash.  I would’ve driven my adorable, sporty 2-door BMW coupe at 85 mph (it liked that speed) all the time, but fear required a safer speed.  Fear has kept me safe and sound, still united with my driver’s license to this day.

But sometimes fear has just prevented me from doing the right thing, taking good care of myself, or following my heart or my dreams.   Whether starting or changing something in my life, those scary decisions involved change, and therefore risk. It’s not always easy to tell when I’m being wise (“Look before you leap”) or stuck (“Strike while the iron is hot”). How do you tell when fear is helping versus hurting you?

Take relationships, for example.  All relationships, even good ones, go through rough spells.  You may have wondered during those times whether to ask for different behavior, or even a complete change like breaking up.  It can be a scary decision, especially if you’re in love, have invested a long time with your partner, have children or property together, or if you’re dependent on him/her.  What if the relationship is salvageable?  What if this is the love of my life?  What if I can’t find a job or a new partner afterwards?  What if I ruin the lives of my children?

There are no easy answers to these questions, but they can be thoroughly evaluated with hard work, honesty, courage and forgiveness.  If you wonder if your relationship is salvageable, then do everything you can to salvage it.  Salvage may involve couples counseling, which when done well, will require you to look at yourself honestly to determine what role you are playing in your troubled relationship.   Dependence also may require that you look inside to determine why you became dependent and accept the consequences of becoming independent.  Making sure your kids are OK likewise means being honest with yourself as to what they will need, financially, psychologically, and emotionally, and providing that to them.  For example, it might feel really good to blame or punish your partner, and much easier than taking responsibility for your role, but your children will pay the price for that toxicity and vindictiveness, not to mention your unresolved issues.

Each of these scenarios involves a tough decision, and difficult, sometimes scary action. If you are not ready to do the right thing in the right way, then maybe fear is standing in your way.   If so, then you have a choice.  Which is more important, my relationship/children/quality of life/dignity or protecting myself from my own fear?

The same sort of reflection may be required for starting something new, like a new relationship, a move to a new state or city, or a new job.  For example, when I finished school, I had a choice as to whether to pursue what I felt was my challenging, impossible dream job, or the safer, less risky good job.  Of course, at the time, I wasn’t really identifying my fear for what it was.  It was disguised as issues about money, job duties, or lifestyle.  I might’ve fooled my friends but a nagging part of me wasn’t buying it.

I realized that fear of failure was the only thing standing in my way of doing what my heart was telling me to do.  It boiled down to this.  Which was more important to me, avoiding failure or pursuing my dream job?

It was a defining moment. I decided I could not let fear chart my course in life.  Instead, I should construct my life based on my desires and realistic appraisal of the likely consequences of making a mistake.  What was the worst possible outcome?  I would’ve had to find a new job and admit I couldn’t do it, a small price to pay for pursuing my dreams.  In contrast, choosing fear would’ve meant I quit before I even started.  That’s not the behavior of a successful, self-actualized person.  In addition, by choosing fear, I would forever have had to live with the regret of not believing in myself when I was given that chance.

“Follow your bliss”  – Joseph Campbell

In either case, whether choosing something new or choosing change, unacknowledged fear can tip the scales in ways that may cause us to unintentionally make choices that are not true to our principles or heart’s desires.  It takes wisdom, courage, and even forgiveness to acknowledge the fear, and to honestly and realistically incorporate it into our decision-making.  Your fear can either be your voice of reason or an excuse to not take risks.  Use it wisely.  You are its master, not its slave.