Mid-Life Transitions

I’m feeling old this week. Whenever I get up, there are a few moments where I feel stiff all over. I’m having tendonitis in my shoulder, and so I have limited range of motion. I’ve had some dental work recently and don’t like how that feels in my mouth. And I’m just a bit tired and physically slow so it’s tough to keep pace with my exercise class.

As they say, aging is not for the weak-hearted, but it sure beats the alternative.

It’s also hard to believe that I’m at this mid-life stage. You know, it seems like almost yesterday…

It’s tempting sometimes to long for my younger self, especially when I look at the gorgeous and strong young people around me. But I’m never one to want to go back. So far, I have always liked the Older Susanna better than the younger.   I was once as cute and strong as these amazing young people around me, but I didn’t appreciate it then.   I might as well have had the body of a 50-year old given how I felt about my appearance.

The same trend continues when I look across my life domains. I’m kind of jealous of the young people that have the stamina to entertain, go out with their friends, and to volunteer/work till all hours and their mental acuity. Yet I also like feeling like I don’t have to do everything, and be everything to all people, at work and at home and that I can turn the ticker tape in my head to off or mute. I also like the feeling that I am secure in my relationships with my friends and family. I can let those relationships be what they are and just enjoy them.

In summary, I enjoy my life so much more given that I take so much less for granted. I’m also much better at being present, so I’m less worried, stressed or upset about the past or future.

I think the hardest part for me professionally is feeling a lack of mentors.   I have always actively developed and valued relationships with those more experienced and wise than me, and had several that I could go to when I needed advice or an ear. My mentors are all, well, retired or I’ve moved to different areas of interest. I AM the mentor now for a number of people. But who advises me now?

On the personal side the hardest part is missing the daily interaction of the larger family. I understand that as we age we tend to become increasingly isolated, especially as our friends and family start to pass. Isolation is a potential threat to our wellbeing. Yet I also enjoy having a quieter house and that time to myself that an empty nest provides.

In the end, life is full of trade offs. I don’t envy young people. They have their struggles, most of which I do not want to return to. I don’t envy those older than me either, even if they are retired. I’m sure that comes with its own opportunities and challenges. I guess I’ll just enjoy where I am now, for one day it will feel as fleeting as my youth.

Susanna’s Comparative Life Table

	Body	Career/ Intellectual	Relational	Family	Personal
Youth – Assets	Physical peak, form and function	Education fresh, mind alert and active. Plenty of mentors	Energy for socializing and entertaining	All potential, yet still able to enjoy all those great moments	Relatively more idealistic
Challenges	May over rely on strength and stamina Relatively low body image	Relatively poor at prioritization; tries to do it all	Relational skills still in development	Daily challenges of raising children; still having conflict with siblings	Relatively low self-confidence and fewer emotional resources
Mid-Life – Assets	Efficiency, strategy. Better appreciation for assets	Experience, patience, better able to prioritize. Giving back as mentor	Skills well developed; perspective on what’s important	Enjoy fruits of child-rearing	Self-confidence and self-awareness
Challenges	Beginning loss of function	Must prioritize. Mentors harder to find.	Meet relatively fewer people, less opportunity for “hanging out”	Daily challenges of managing parental care	May be less apt to change, beginning loss of function

Message to Asian Parents

Growing up I was told that Asian kids are just smarter.  This stereotype seemed to be buffeted by all the hyper-accomplished Asian students with the perfect GPAs and mix of extracurriculars (BTW I was kind of just average or above-average or so all around). Indeed, Asians tend to be over-represented in institutes of higher learning and highly technical fields.   However, I’ve never seen any data that shows that Asians are any smarter than people originating from other continents.

Asian students do have a secret weapon though: their parents. It’s maybe not so much the parents per se as the culture. At least speaking for the Chinese American culture, it was simply a given that we’d go to college, and probably graduate school. We’d have a sport, learn Chinese, and play a musical instrument. Being cool wasn’t important, but your GPA was. Indeed, some of my Chinese American childhood friends went on to that Ivy League school and are literally world-famous.

For some of us, that formula and pathway works perfectly well; we’re 100% suited and passionate about a career in a STEM discipline, or maybe law. For the others of us, well, too bad.

Asian parents, I know you want the best for your children and economic security is paramount. I ask you, though, to weigh the degree of economic security (do they really need to make in the high 6-figures to be secure?) against the psychological cost of doing a job you don’t love. For me the toll was psychological, physical, and relational. My body and life were shutting down because I couldn’t keep doing that job.

Parents, I’m not saying that you encourage your kids to throw caution to the wind and hop a bus to LA in hopes of being the next “It” girl.   What I am saying is that maybe our young people should be encouraged to pursue that passion and dream but have a reasonable Plan B ready to go if that dream doesn’t work out, preferably one that allows them to pursue that passion at least as a hobby.

I didn’t tell you earlier that one of my Ivy League Chinese American friends ended up pursuing a non-traditional path (non-doctor/lawyer/engineer) and became world famous anyway. Many of the parents I know would not have supported that path, but fortunately for him, his did. In other words, it is possible to follow your heart and dreams and achieve that economic security. Had he pursued engineering, he might be secure enough, but would he be as happy or successful?

I know from my own experience that pursuing my Plan A (which temporally came to me in late life) not only means that I’m passionate about my job, but that work enriches my personal life and wellbeing too. And that’s worth all the money in the world.

Toxic, Disruptive People

My inner toddler

When working or living with toxic, difficult people, our tendency seems to be to use labels (b*tch, pr*ck, evil, toxic, etc.) as a shortcut to understanding them. Though convenient and expeditious, not unlike a handful of trail mix for dinner, the problem with labels is that we stop seeing the other as a complex person who is struggling, just like we are. Instead, the label tends to homogenize and minimize their essence to nothing but negative. The extreme ‘evil’ label implies that the other is irredeemable and is deserving of whatever ill fate that may befall them, intentional or otherwise.

I haven’t had enough coffee this morning to debate whether evil exists, or whether evil is more appropriately viewed through a mental illness lens. Most people that we encounter in our daily lives fall far short of that diagnosis, though it is often tempting to box someone in with that label.

Here’s what I do know about difficult people. Remembering these concepts helps me to deal with them and my reaction to them more constructively.

• Difficult people are our teachers. We learn patience and perspective by being in their midst.
• No matter how sure you are that they are to blame, we always have some responsibility in a failed relationship.   Explore flipping your story to gain some useful perspective. For starters, we are often blind to our own need to be right or lack of forgiveness which tends to invite bad behavior in others.
• Everyone has a valid perspective, even if you disagree with or can’t understand it. Remember, disagreements often stem from different ethical priorities, not from an absence of values or a moral compass. Learning anothers’ perspective will help you understand and forgive while also making it more likely that they will be motivated to understand yours.
• We often confuse being lenient or soft on others with doing the right thing. Martyring ourselves or our team to accommodate the perceived needs or demands of a toxic person is not doing anyone any favors in the long run and is not likely to keep the peace for long.   Behavioral issues should be dealt with early, firmly and with compassion.   For example, despite repeated interventions, some students continue to have performance or behavioral issues.   They are not unintelligent or lazy; instead, they are often a poor fit for the program. Helping these students to find the right academic environment will allow them to grow and shine. In contrast, enabling them to persist in a program that does not match their strengths or interests only prolongs the issue for them. Avoiding the problem for extended durations can result in incalculable losses of time, money, energy, productivity, and peace of mind for both the student and those around them.
• A therapist I know once said that everyone is always trying their best. I did not believe her at the time, but I believe this statement to be 100 % true. Laziness is synonymous for lack of engagement. In the work environment, lack of engagement is strongly associated with being ignored or getting negative attention. Conventional wisdom concurs with respect to children that act out at home because they are being ignored. It’s easy to blame the child or lazy employee but the root cause is usually the parent or manager (see bullet #2 above).

It’s not easy turning the lens from the difficult person back on oneself. When tired or stressed, this task seems pointless or nearly impossible.   But here are your options: allow someone else to make you feel frustrated and emotionally out of control or by take constructive action that will help improve yourself, your family or you organization.   The latter may seem harder, but consider how uncontrolled emotion is the adult equivalent of a temper tantrum, even if you think you’re controlling it externally.

Don’t feel bad. You’re not alone. However, finding someone else who agrees with your or is in the same boat is not a good excuse to avoid dealing constructively with that difficult person in you.

Dear Mom

It has been nearly a year since you died. This year, Christmas is just not going to be the same without you. Our most important, annual family ritual will feel alien, since cooking that special holiday meal always had you front and center. We have been training and practicing for years for the inevitability when we’d have to cook the meal without you, and now that it is upon us, I feel unspeakably sad.

You know our path together has not always been smooth and easy, but what mother-daughter relationship is (I can just see all you women out there raising your hands)? But we found our peace with each other long before you passed, and for that I am unspeakably grateful.

It’s ironic perhaps that it took your death for me to find the psychological space to reflect on who you are separate and apart from your role as my mother. Now I see the person from which I inherited my thirst for information, caretaking nature, and zest for life. From you I inherited my need to influence my environment and to help those around me. With that, I feel even more intimately connected to you.

I didn’t always agree with your approach or subject of your change-project (too often, me) just as I know others don’t always agree with mine. But like you, our intentions are always positive and passionate, even if we are sometimes, oftentimes, misinformed. And to the degree that we’ve fumbled more than we achieved, and for the times that you took the difficult path out of love, I feel unspeakably humbled.

Mom, I hope to carry the best parts of both of us forward. We’ll probably never make them perfect, but they don’t have to be perfect to be amazing. I know you didn’t feel like a brave person.  Nor do I.  But I feel that your passionate spirit carried you places most people fear to tread. I know you have gone places I don’t think I could’ve, and I hope that I can go to the places that you have resisted visiting. Together, we’ve made more progress than either of us could’ve done alone. To that end, I feel unspeakably proud. Of both of us.

I hope Mom that you are continuing to watch over us as you always have and that you’re proud of all of us girls and your 7 truly amazing grandchildren. You earned it.

The Things They Never Tell You About Being A Mother

Being a Mom isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

It’s so much better.

I never want to take for granted the gratitude of others.   But for me, Mother’s Day is also about celebrating one’s children and being grateful to them for enabling me to be in the best role I’ve ever had.

Here’s why I’m grateful to my children on Mother’s Day:

• Yes, being a parent can be exhausting.  But for me, it was an energizing experience overall.
• Yes, sometimes I just wanted them to go to bed or go to school, but mostly I looked forward to every chance I could just hang out with them, get a hug or hold their hand.
• Yes, sometimes it was just hard work, but I wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else, doing anything else, ever.
• Yes, sometimes it was just yukky, particularly during the diaper or barfing (yes we had that) stages, but I loved seeing my naked baby several times a day and getting to play with his tummy (there wasn’t really an upside to the barfing stage, in retrospect, aside from the great stories I can tell – subject for another blog).
• Yes , sometimes it was just frustrating and aggravating, but there was 10x as much joy as frustration. Besides, there was a lesson about myself to be learned during those times though I admit it took me a long time to learn them.  I had as much growing up to do as they did, and they were my teachers.  If you think about it, kids can only do what they can do.  So blaming the kid is like blaming a dog for barking or pooping:  it only reflected my need to control or my unrealistic expectations.
• Yes, sometimes I felt it was a thankless job, but I know how they feel about me and the unique role I played in their lives.  Any time they willingly choose to spend time with me feels like a thank you note in disguise.
• Yes, sometimes those life stages were difficult and challenging, but I thought they were all amazing and I enjoyed every one of them (some more than others).  It was an honor to watch them grow and transform through each stage.
• Yes, everyone told me how much work it is raising kids but no one told me what an utter and complete joy it is.  I loved almost every minute of it and, now that they’ve flown the coop, the time with them is ever more precious.

So you Moms out there who are fortunate enough to still have your kids at home:  savor the moment, all of them, and find the silver lining and personal lessons during the challenging times (if you’re not already).  Perhaps the mothering experience will be more than you bargained for too.  Happy Mother’s Day!

Photo credit: tonyconigliophotography.com

Protecting Our Children

No matter how disappointing the behavior, I believe that everyone is doing their best.   It’s easy to judge someone else and say what they should or should not be doing.  And we may even be right.  But seeing someone else’s faults is completely different than seeing our own.

I used to be pretty critical and judgmental (and I still can go there pretty quickly): one of those ‘my sh** doesn’t stink’ kind of people.  But then I learned and accepted the fact that the qualities we tend to hate in others are the faults we hate in ourselves.  So if I say you’re judgmental and lazy, it’s really my own judgement and laziness that I hate.

So I’ve learned to shut up to avoid adding hypocrite to the list.

Doing our best notwithstanding, we have a particular responsibility toward our kids.  Our hypocrisy and judgment might roll off the back of an adult who may emerge relatively unscathed or unfazed by our criticism.  It’s completely different with children.  Those messages come loud and clear to kids, and those judgments get etched into their psyches.  In this manner, I believe our children inherit our unresolved issues and carry them into the next generation.  Until someone breaks the cycle of denial and passivity, those issues will get handed down through the generations.

Our parents came to the US to give their daughters a better life.  And they did.  We had every educational opportunity possible.  We never wanted for food, shelter or clothing.  For our children, I want to give them a better emotional and psychological start by dealing with my issues so they don’t have to.  They’ll have their education, of course, but that’s not enough for me.  I want them to have peace, tranquility and a feeling of being loved and accepted just as they are.

Not everyone is ready for this journey; I get that.  But please consider that the possibility of your hidden, unresolved issues unwittingly bleeding over to your kids is real.   We take great pains to lock our doors at night and wash our hands to keep our families safe.  You wouldn’t want to expose your family to measles, flu or MRSA, which are mostly pretty treatable and temporary.  Infecting them with a feeling they are not loved or worthy could last a lifetime and even multiple generations.

I know it’s scary to look inside and possibly find you come up short in some ways.  Know that we all do, as you probably know by looking at others.  You know those around you are struggling to be good and do good.  You forgive them (I hope) for their humanity.  Consider granting yourself that same kindness and doing the same for yourself; you’ll find your flaws are no different (better or worse) than anyone else’s.  You’ve seen it all. You know what it’s like.  So there’s nothing in there that you haven’t seen or know how to solve.  You’ve been telling others how to fix these things your whole life.  You might be surprised it’s a huge relief to deal with that nagging problem once and for all.  The irony is that once you accept your own faults, it becomes easier to accept the faults of others.

So don’t be afraid.  You have everything to gain and nothing more to lose by being brave.   As my man William Shakespeare says, “there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Fear?

By:  Guest blogger, Rahmel (Ray)mond Reeves (Age 15)

Fear. What is fear? Is it a feeling, thought or decision? Where does it come from? Does it come when you think about your next report card, or does it comes when you think about love? Many fears come and go but the main topic that scares me the most is if I’ll lose love.  Love is what allows us to be stronger and motivate us to do better, if you lose love, you lose hope. All your potential and character would cease to be shown because without love there’s hate. Hate is pain, stress, guilt, depression, suicide, murder, drug overdose, and darkness. In the world we live in all you hear about is hate, but you never hear about love. This world is hurting because the people on it can’t love one another. No one cares enough to give love. Why can’t a person come to school without worrying about what someone will say, why can’t you walk from the store at night with a hood, Arizona, and skittles without being accused as a threat. Why can’t you change something without being threatened? This world is filled with hate and covered with hope. The only thing that keeps a single mother that lost her job and is getting evicted in two day , who also has a blood clog in her chest , that the doctors said wouldn’t  let her live more than a week, moving with her head up. Hope is what keeps a homeless man from getting weaker, even though his last job told him he wouldn’t be able to work because he’s disabled and stupid. Hope is what keeps your 15 year old son from killing himself because the world said he was different and wouldn’t amount to anything, and made him feel like the world was better without him, because no one understood him, no one knew that his father left him when he was younger, no one knew he got teased because of his weight, no one knew he use to live in a basement and eat stolen noodle mixed with stuffing just so he wouldn’t be hungry, no one knew that kids at school would call him names and try to put him down, no one knew he loved and cared for so many people but couldn’t find love for himself, no one ever knows , because they’re blinded by hate, But because of hope there’s change, motivation, and love. So what is fear? Is it a feeling, thought, or decision? Where does it come from? Does it come when you think about your next report card or does it come when you think about love?

Evolution, Not Revolution

Four terrific kids

A snapshot of each holiday gathering is like time-lapse photography capturing the evolution of both family members and the family itself.  With each new frame, the subjects, and the relationships between the people develop and change.  Sometimes the differences between snapshots are dramatic, sometimes subtle.

I reflect upon these changes with the recent family gathering over the holiday.  This year, my youngest son, his girlfriend, Chris’s daughter and her boyfriend, join us at the beach.    All together under one roof for four wonderful days, this is our first time cohabitating for longer than the time it takes to enjoy a meal together.

What a difference a few months make.  I guess you can say Chris and I have been together a “long time” according to the perception of teenagers.  When we started dating we were working through the emotional turmoil of separation and divorces. Since then, not only have we worked through that transition, we have also invested time and energy into strengthening our relationship.  This upfront effort has paid off to create a smooth, comfortable and companionable partnership that would be apparent in our couples’ portrait.

A more dramatic change would be evident with the picture of the kids.   The divorces after our respective 20+ year marriages were understandably traumatic, and being introduced and acclimated to new surrogate families was a big, and not so easy transition.  Yet we progressed, within a pretty short timeframe, from “I’m not ready to meet anyone,” to hanging out under one roof as if we’ve been  palling around for years.

Frankly my style tends to be to push forward without looking back, but that style does not work for everyone.  Sometimes just patience and acceptance is the best way forward, Chris reminds me.  Evolution, not revolution.   Living in the land of Patrick Henry during Independence Day, I am now channeling my inner Darwin and celebrating changes that are more incremental than dramatic.  Viva la difference!

Parenting – A New Low

Bad parenting

It’s easy to write about the highs of all these personal development concepts and applications I love – how good I feel, how empowered.  It’s harder to write about the lows.  I wrote recently in the Way of Being (WOB) blog how my view of a person determines the quality of our interaction.  If I view them as a real human being with feelings and needs instead of an obstruction, an irrelevancy or a means to an end, then I am more likely to be effective in my interactions with them.  After all, who would you rather work or cooperate with?  Someone who treats you as a person or someone that treats you as a problem?

I have also mentioned in the Must Be Seen As blog, I’ve always felt it was important to be seen as a good mother.  As with so many things I fear, such fears end up being self-fulfilling prophecies if I am not careful.  My fear of being a bad mother means that I try too hard to be seen as a good Mom:  dedicated, invested, proactive, supportive, and worst of all, right.   Needing to be viewed as this super-mom means that my kids must be terrific too.    After all, if you are perfect parent, then your kids should be perfect too, right?  When they’re not, my Must Be Seen As self rears its ugly head and I go into judgment mode: “The Kid won’t step up/work hard/take responsibility.”   A genuinely supportive parent might say, “The Kid is doing his best and I will be as supportive as possible.”

Take, for example, a more neutral comment delivered to a struggling child, “What went wrong?”  Such a statement can be said either with accusation and judgment or with sympathy and curiosity.  The latter treats the listener as a person whose feelings and needs are important, so the recipient is more likely to respond in a relatively positive, non-defensive manner. The part that has not been evident to me is that one can still feel and convey judgment and criticism while maintaining a calm demeanor and tone of voice.   And I’m never fooling anyone despite that calm exterior and quiet tone if my WOB is wrong.

Now I understand why the right action delivered with the wrong WOB results in an unexpectedly disappointing response.   In the past, I would be like, “What’s with the attitude?”  Now I understand that, even if done calmly, if executed with the wrong WOB, it will not go well.  And I would be in the wrong.  One of the little jokes I tell is that parenting is an experiment where you don’t get the results until your kids go into therapy when they’re 30 and find out how much you screwed them up.  I have always said this only half joking.

My belief that this scenario will actually occur keeps increasing the more my self-awareness increases.    My shortcomings as a parent, as a partner, as an employee, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, are so glaringly and increasingly evident where previously I have felt like I’d been doing ok.

In the past, this failure would’ve eaten at me, and I would’ve felt like the most miserable human being on the planet (a real first world problem.)   Now I know that I’m just a mere, imperfect mortal like everyone else and that it’s more important (and realistic) to learn from our mistakes than to never make them.  Now, I also can forgive myself as well as others when mistakes are made.

The rest of the experiment-ending-in-therapy story that I don’t usually relay has to do with me hoping that my kids will forgive me when they finally realize just how lousy of a parent I really am.  I have long since forgiven my parents for less than perfect parenting since they try their best, just like me and everyone else.  If my kids also realize that I was doing my best, flawed as it was, then perhaps they will forgive me too.

The Evolution of Parenting

I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m jealous of my boys.  No, it’s not because they got to enjoy a lifestyle and opportunities that I didn’t enjoy during my deprived childhood (you know, I walked to school barefoot in the snow, yada yada).  I had a fairly privileged childhood as well, never having to worry about my next meal, a warm, dry house, or even college loans.

Rather, I just look at them and marvel at how together they are.

Me at their age:  gawky, awkward, fearful, mousy, demanding, self-critical, insecure, academically and psychologically myopic, unsure, squabbling with my sister.  I was too timid to talk to most people and mostly moved through life trying to avoid notice.  I intentionally chose the largest university in the state (50,000 students) so I could hide in the auditorium.  Fortunately, I managed to have a pretty good time and got a good education, despite being my own worst enemy.  Not a total loss by any means but it wasn’t pretty either.

Them (cumulatively):  confident, handsome, self-assured, talented, engaging, interesting, funny, self-aware, poised, kind, courteous, popular, leaders.  They even get along with each other.  Like each other. Help each other.  So much more evolved than I was at that age.

By the time I had the self-knowledge and confidence they are showing now, I was late into my 30’s, even 40’s.  Sometimes I wonder if I was that put together in my teens, where would I be now…?

But all that is irrelevant.  That ship has long ago sailed, and it is not at all constructive to speculate in that manner.  Indeed, I had to struggle for years to find my place in the world and figure out who I was.  I don’t actually regret it because those experiences and those struggles put me on the path to who I am today.  Feeling so uncomfortable was the best incentive for me to figure it out and grow up.

“You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one” – James A. Froude

A little adversity* can be a good thing for young people.  I’ve known some people whose childhood was as smooth as silk.   They were beloved, nurtured, spoiled a little (or a lot), helped when needed, had breakfast and a bag lunch prepared for them each day, had a parent at every school event, had everything they ever wanted without having to save a dime.  I believe modern parents frequently strive to provide for their children a perfect childhood, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea.   The adults I know with easy childhoods did not learn resilience at a young age and had few opportunities for self-discovery and growth.   They entered life being unable to care for themselves, solve problems for themselves, or believing their role was to be taken care of, not to take care of others.  They were not given the incentive to forge themselves deliberately into a character until much later after their habits were firmly in place.

So even though I’m somewhat jealous, I am even prouder of the young men they have become despite a privileged upbringing.  Our parents worked hard for the American dream and to provide us with all the advantages, especially a great education and resulting careers.  Their dream was that we would be more successful than they were, and we are.  While balancing two careers and two babies, however, we quickly realized that the financial and professional success was fantastic – but what really mattered was raising a happy and healthy family.  So, while we have saved all their lives for their educations too, our mission has more importantly been to give them a healthier emotional and psychological start to their lives.  All the money in the world will not make them happy, but the ability to love and forgive both yourself and others, and commit to a journey of personal growth is an excellent down payment on that happiness.

I always say that childrearing is one big experiment:  You don’t get the report card until they go into therapy when they’re 30 and you find out how much you screwed them up.  So the jury is still out as to whether we were successful in our quest.  But at least I know we did our best for them, and hopeful that they will understand and forgive our sincere, though thoroughly imperfect parenting.  If we’ve successfully taught them to forgive themselves and others, they will.

Someday they’ll have their own parenting journey.  What will be their parenting legacy?  What will they prioritize for their children?  In what way do they want their children to do better than they did?  Grandma will be standing by to help.  Hopefully by then I’ll have developed the wisdom and self-control to keep my opinions to myself.

*Previous blogs on adversity – Conflict, Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don’t, The Joy of Loss, Blessings of a Dysfunctional Marriage, A Defining Moment:  Discovering the Hidden Gifts in Chronic Pain and Illness

and Now

I begin to lose my confidence, Then…