You can probably tell from this blog that I put a lot of effort and attention into being more aware of myself, the world, and the interplay between the two. Becoming more conscious of these factors and dynamics is a life-long lesson that has been so incredibly worthwhile.
Learning to be more conscious in my life has also become a commitment beyond what I had bargained for. After all, once you’re aware of these unseen factors and understand your responsibility in them means the genie is out of the bottle. It’s like the movie The Matrix. Once you know, you can’t go back.
Sometimes I want to go back and pretend I don’t know any of this. Sometimes I just want to let someone else deal with it, so that I can remain in that blissful ignorance of believing it’s someone else’s fault. It’s someone else’s responsibility. It’s someone else’s problem.
Though it may not be 100% my fault, responsibility or problem, it is also not 0% my fault, responsibility or problem. It’s also true that I may not have an appropriate sense of my fault, responsibility or problem, it is also true that I know that the challenge to understand that allocation is still my own.
In some ways, it was easier to not know. To feel vindicated, wronged, superior, smarter, or entitled is pretty delicious and fun. I can talk about what another should be feeling, doing or saying and ignore my own need for what I should be feeling, doing or saying. However, I would then have to spend more time and effort with dealing with the fallout of not taking ownership of what I have control over, and trying to control factors outside of my sphere of influence.
A ton of effort, both. The difference is in the former case of being conscious, the outcome tends to be generative and affirming, whereas in the latter case of being unconscious, the outcome is depleting and discouraging.
Though it’s really a no-brainer, sometimes I just don’t want to deal with it. It’s taken me almost 20 year of earning a paycheck to not feel resentful that I don’t get the summers off like I used to when I was a kid. Maybe it’ll take me that long to not feel resigned to the path of consciousness whenever life throws me a challenge.
Or maybe not? Instead of summer vacation, I can do mini versions by indulging in little doses of whining, complaining and blaming. A pina colada to go with couldn’t hurt. Then vacay is over. I feel ready and recharged to return to the real world. The results are so worth it!
Silver Lining 